Arianna Huffington, former Santa Barbarian, has proved to me that there is big money in low-brow blog blather so I am considering revamping The Daily Capitalist™ into something similar in order to cash in on the big bucks. I’m guessing that some down and out web media company will need my catchy formula to rescue their failing concept. If she can get $315 million for her crap, I could make some big bucks with mine.
I’m going to try out a few headlines on you to gauge my plan. I don’t think I’m actually stealing her idea, just improving on it a bit to serve my unique audience.
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Elizabeth Warren: “I love Dior!”
Fashionista Elizabeth Warren has signed a rumored 7-figure contract with Dior for its new “Elizabeth!” line of chic clothing and accessories for top bureaucrats. Lead-off will include its new fashion eyewear selection modeled on Warrren’s much imitated look. LVMH Moët Hennessy chairman Bernard Arnault said in a press conference yesterday, “We just love Elizabeth and her fashion statement. We are proud to have her as the major brand for our new Bureaucrate Chic!™ Division of clothing and accessories for this important growing market segment.” The Daily Capitalist will be interviewing Warren for its new fashion section this Spring. Sign up for our fashion newsletter now!
Harry Reid’s Confession: “Boehner Opened My Closet Door!”
In a startling announcement exclusive to The Daily Capitalist, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (Dem., Nev.) revealed that he was gay and that “John Boehner has beautiful eyes!” Boehner, stunned by Reid’s revelation, said “What the fuck?” Reid, closeted with Boehner and other Congressional leaders for the past several days in intense budget negotiations, said he couldn’t stand Boehner’s piercing eyes washing over his body hour after hour. “I didn’t realize I was gay until that moment. I guess that explains a lot of my behavior over the past five years.” Reid immediately left for Nevada to go fishing with his wife. More on this breaking story soon!
Michelle Obama’s Secret Passion
The Daily Capitalist has learned that the First Lady has a secret passion that she kept hidden from her husband for years! Sources tell The Daily Capitalist that Mrs. Obama was caught by her husband reading a secret book by flashlight late night under the couple’s sheets. After a brief struggle, from which apparently the President needed several stitches in his lip, Mr. Obama came up with the book, Ludwig von Mises’s brilliant study of epistemology and methodology, Theory and History. Sources say that Obama was stunned by Michelle’s behavior. “I thought you gave this shit up years ago!” he said. Mrs. Obama agreed to enter private therapy with top experts including Larry Summers and Paul Krugman. Malia Obama was overheard telling friends at Washington’s posh Sidwell Friends School that “Mommy and Daddy aren’t speaking to each other.” Stay tuned for more on this exciting story and what it means for America.
“I Make Money!” Will The Government Shut-Down Stop The Fed’s Printing Presses?
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke announced today that if the budget isn’t funded on Friday, the Fed may have to shut down the U.S. printing presses. “We’ll run out of paper notes by Monday which would be an unparalleled disaster for the economy,” said Bernanke. Bernanke noted that the Bureau of Engraving and Printing has been working 25/7 to meet the Fed’s demands for its monetary policy known as quantitative easing. “The whole economy runs on currency,” said Bernanke, “and if we stop the presses we stop the economy.” Heavy criticism of the Fed’s printing policy has come from House Republicans as well as Democrats. Dennis Kucinich, Dem., Ohio, said, “This is absurd. Why don’t they just use plastic bills that last longer and make them in bigger denominations, too. We’ve got to get this economy rolling again.”
Today’s Market Report
by our in-house astrologer Madame Telstar
Don’t expect rapid advancement today. It’s more about slogging on than sprinting ahead. Things may not be as easy as you think they should be or go as fast as you imagine, but as long as you remain in the black you can consider it a good day. Connecting the dots is just Phase One. It’s time to move on to Phase Two. Force yourself to move forward. You can’t afford to stay in your comfort zone today. You’ll have to really stretch yourself if you want to be sure you get your strike price. Otherwise, don’t assume others will do exactly what you want with your options. Avoid contangos today.
Russell Brand To Join The Daily Capitalist!
Well known economics critic and political commentator Russell Brand has just inked a deal with The Daily Capitalist to write a weekly column, “That Effing Keynes!” Brand said it won’t interfere with his busy schedule which includes his teaching stint at the London School of Economics (“Effing idiots!”), his columns with the Financial Times (“Bloody effing idiots!”), or his occasional movie deal (“Really wonderful people!”). “My goal with The Daily Capitalist is to blow that effing bloody fool Martin Wolf off his bloody effing perch!” he said. Well said Mr. Brand. We welcome Mr. Brand to our growing fold of writers and are looking forward to his keen, insightful commentary and wit.
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What do you think?