The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters

The Onion’s take on the demands of the Occupy Wall Street Protesters:

As Occupy Wall Street enters its fifth week, its numbers are growing and the movement is beginning to take shape. Here are some of the protesters’ demands:

  • Bank of America should be renamed Bank of Jerkmerica
  • A simple “We’re sorry”
  • Corporations should be handing out more free promo items if their profits exceed $1 billion, even if it’s just hats or those stupid foam cup-holder things
  • Arcade Fire to play one set for them or, if they’re unavailable, Spoon
  • European-style socialist state so we can enjoy the same economic prosperity they do
  • Lower tuition at the private universities in the Northeast they chose to attend instead of in-state public colleges
  • Cheaper Odwallas
  • Holding senior executives accountable for the massive wealth lost and the millions of families they destroyed and making them feel really, really guilty about it.

13 comments to The Demands Of Occupy Wall Street Protesters

  • Jon

    I think the first part is just, possibly feasible, but the last bit (making same executives feel guilty) only works if they have consciences. Methinks sociopathic tendendcies and consciences don’t often coexist.

    • Senior executives did, do and will continue doing their jobs, they are not guilty, nor Wall street stock traders and brokers are, they and their decisions are just natural creatures of a monetary system that favors monopolies, inequity and wealth concentration. The same system that has been fostering debt and spending over saving and investment for decades. The very system that made possible the American Splendor and its ever loved lifestyle.
      The point is, how can a servant of an evil system be punished for doing what he is expected to do? How can this ever be when all the mischief was always backed by politics? And even worse, how our position looks like against the fact that we all took place in this party for years by recklessly spending and believing we could get whatever we wished with money we never had.

      • Buck


        Committing letter-of-the-law financial fraud is something all together different than recklessly spending. A servant of a system, no matter how ‘evil’, can be punished for breaking the laws that still exist in that system. You can start there.


  • Buck


    Will you continue to mock and dismiss protests that increasingly become global in scale?


    • I certainly hope so, Buck. The US doesn’t have a monopoly on ignorance.

      • Buck


        With statements such as these, you are definitely in the running (for the monopoly):

        “Yes, they (Wall Street) invented some really clever and complex financial tools to provide capital to the housing market. These were actually pretty good financial structures…”

        Wow. ‘Good’ in what possible sense of the word? Good for the Wall Street firms and hedge funds that were actively shorting said ‘structures’, you mean? I’d like you to explain exactly how these clever and complex tools were so great, because I don’t believe you’ve written anything to that effect before, or have you?

        “There was no crime in what Wall Street did. I am sure there probably was some illegal activity…”

        Do you honestly believe this? Where does one even begin? First, is it “no crime” or just “some” crime? Or does your paradigm lead you to turn a blind eye to all crime committed by Wall Street because (as alleged, by you) it cannot be “the cause of our malaise”?

        Look, it is one thing to argue that the private sector, relative to the federal government, can never bear the majority of fault (see “the cause”) of any catastrophe as great as that which we are curently living through. That is a topic worthy of debate. I probably even agree with you there! To claim however, as part of that argument, that Wall Street was just doing God’s work creating nifty products that got derailed by federal guarantees* with no crime whatsoever involved is the height of ignorance. And I just want to know if it is willful, or more just an unintended consequence of cognitive dissonance when you try and sell Austrian theory to the ‘unwashed’ types?

        The bottom line, and frustrating thing, is that these protests are net positive for anyone fed up with the economic status quo… including Austrians like yourself who believe we live under a system of fascism or national corporatism. So what I want to know is why you belittle their efforts (born of frustration) and misrepresent fact in the process?

        *IndyMac, a Mozillo subsidiary, specialized in no-doc loans too large to be backed by the federal government and produced more losses by itself than the entire S&L fiasco.

      • Buck

        Why not a reasoned critique on whatever has been offered as a clear message from this ‘group’*?:

        #OWS is fighting back against the corrosive power of major banks and multinational corporations over the democratic process, and the role of Wall Street in creating an economic collapse that has caused the greatest recession in generations.The movement is inspired by popular uprisings in Egypt, Tunisia, Spain, Greece, Italy and the UK, and aims to expose how the richest 1% of people who are writing the rules of the global economy are imposing an agenda of neoliberalism and economic inequality that is foreclosing our future.”

        *The one with the socialist fist!

  • Linus Huber

    SCARE 20.12.2012
    (Stop Corruption and Repression Effective 20.12.2012)

    Banks were given a very important privilege to create more in the form of extending credit. This function requires diligence and careful consideration in regard to individual credit risks as well as to overall credit levels in the system. The financial crisis revealed that the banks were operating at too high a leverage and with too much risk. They were used to be saved by the Central Banks and certain that in times of difficulties the Central Banks were there to save them. They were like trained dogs and their master Greenspan or Bernanke would always be there to rescue them when unforeseen difficulties arose.
    That may be true but that does not absolve them from their obligation to monitor overall debt levels in the system as well as being diligent in evaluating the debtors ability to not only service a debt but to be able to repay it over time. The banks clearly failed in this function that is the core function of banking but focused mainly on their compensation packages. The way these bankers enriched themselves in the process of driving the financial system into a wall was appalling and the average income earner was never able to comprehend their schemes but preferred to simply ignore them. Of course, the bankers explained their outrages income levels with free market principles of supply and demand, where the best simply could be hired with those kinds of benefits only. In hindsight those superior managers seem to have missed their mark considerably. The most interesting aspect of all of this is the fact that, after we have been more than 3 years in this financial crisis, the bankers continue to loot the system as if nothing ever happened.
    True to form the Central Banks “saved” the financial system by saving those great financial institutions without whom the system would have collapsed, as was argued. Hardly were we out of the danger of collapse, the banks immediately went back to their old ways and were certain that this was a problem that would occur just once in a lifetime and now all was clear again. The real problem, however, had not been addressed but had simply been muddied.
    In actuality, the losses produced of extending unsustainable levels of credit by the banks have been transferred to the public. Different ways were chosen to achieve this task in the form of free money for the banks, injection of government funds into some institutions, increase of basic money supply and so on.
    The threat of system collapse would have been labelled blackmail if it would have occurred in another setting. However the bankers were able to influence the media, the legislators and regulators in their favour with all the financial resources available to them. Nobody was made to take any responsibility and no one was taken to account.
    This represents a serious violation of the spirit of the Rule of Law that is the basis of western society. It seems that now the new rule is Might is Right. This changes many parameters in the compass of the social system within the western world. No one can be sure on what level and when one will be subjected to the financial abuse of those elites. Presently, the people in charge are trying to enhance financial repression of which one form is to keep interest rates below the level of inflation which affects mainly those that lived within their means over the past many years; another clear violation of the spirit of the Rule of Law as it transfers losses from bad investments to the innocent and decent part of the population. In addition, the increased level of government debt puts in doubt all those benefits promised by governments the world over.
    It is interesting how the banks were able to confuse the public that they are unable to grasp the actual situation. But considering their great financial resources, it seems not that much of a miracle to influence the media and the legislator and having politicians do their bidding. The question is what the heck can WE, THE PEOPLE do about it.
    Usually, we could address such things on a political level as we are a democracy, right? But it seems that the system has been corrupted by all the money sloshing around and it is extremely difficult to find any electable person that will act against those powerful interests. In addition, it will take many years until sufficient numbers of persons with the new thinking and with integrity not to be corrupted by those lobbying efforts will be elected to office that will implement the changes needed. So, what should we do? Start a revolution?
    Well, the blackmail used by the banks may be the only way to address the injustices that have occurred over the past few years. They showed us how to leverage one’s limited resources to achieve one’s goal. Therefore the following proposal to start the movement “SCARE 20.12.2012” should be seen in this context. The idea is that if by that time (20.12.2012) some serious injustices have been removed from the system, people start to withdraw their money from all financial institutions driving them into default. And it might work, because those who hesitate to support this threat may be left with no money as the banks will have to close down before all has been paid out.
    Now, what demands are made if that scenario is to be avoided.

    1. Bankers and past Bankers (all those working in the financial industry that earned in excess of $500k plus annually for more than 2 years during the past 15 years and this without any downside risk i.e. risk of financial losses, except the possibility of losing their job) have to be made personally accountable for their past activities and be removed from any such position that might directly or indirectly have influence on the money creation and lending aspects of the economy (this includes regulating agencies and politics) before 20.12.2012.
    2. Present and past regulators have to be made personally accountable for their past activities and be removed from any such position that might directly or indirectly have influence on the money creation and lending aspects of the economy (this includes financial institutions and politics) before 20.12.2012.
    3. Politicians that accept any financial support from institutions that are involved in the money creation and lending aspects of the economy will have to face a jail term of no less than 2 years without the possibility of parole.

    When these 3 points are implemented before 20.12.2012, we the public will not destroy the financial system but support the way to find back to the RULE OF LAW and away from the idea of MIGHT IS RIGHT.

    • THANK YOU for the link.
      I am now a fan of Brooksley Born.
      Thanks for forwarding great information.
      Please post anytime there is an article read about the present crisis which may be a QUADRILLION DOLLAR ONE.
      Google “Quadrillion dollar problem” it is a perfect match with “Brooksley Born”.

    • Yikes, not mine. Conventional wisdom.

    • Inquisitor

      “Market participants don’t look out for the public interest. Traditionally, government has had to protect the public interest by overseeing the marketplace and keeping the extreme behavior under some check.”

      Haha, seriously?

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